05 May 2006
some gifts aren't meant to be kept
Hi everyone. I'm sorry that my last post alarmed some people - my apologies; that was never the intention. I meant only to excuse myself for awhile and to offer some explanation for future somber moods. Thank you to the many friends who have left messages - your support and love have helped ease the pain of the last days.

I'm not really sure where to begin or what to say, so please overlook my clumsiness.

We were expecting a baby. It was the most unexpected news, and after the initial shock, also the most welcome news. There were mistakes made at the hospital that made us hesitant to tell anyone, but a couple of weeks ago, things seemed to be clarified and we were looking forward to sharing our happy news with everyone. We had only one last ultrasound to go through to check if the baby was likely to have Down's Syndrome, and that was scheduled for Monday. Everything else was going perfectly. But when we saw the baby on the monitor Monday morning, it was obvious that the little heart had stopped beating.

No one knows what happened, or why. It's been an extraordinary week. I had no idea that people could cry so much, or feel so much pain. We are doing our best to hold to the happy memories - and despite how briefly we were able to cherish this baby, there are a lot of positives to hold on to. How can one tiny creature have such a tremendous impact in so short a time? We were able to feel the baby kicking, which is a miracle we treasure, and we saw him or her very active and apparently healthy during an earlier ultrasound. There are memories of joy mixed in with the sadness.

I've been working on a gift for the baby during the past couple of days. The intangibility of the loss has bothered me terribly, so I hoped that creating something that we could see and feel might help build some sense of closure. Keeping my hands busy has allowed my mind to start accepting the loss, too.

I don't know what else to say at this point. Thank you for being there for us.

posted by mainely stitching at 3:29 PM ¤ Permalink ¤ |


  • At Friday, 05 May, 2006, Blogger Von

    Barbara, you have chosen the perfect design and ground fabric to express your heart. Tears welled up as I scrolled the screen to view it. Continued prayers and hugs,

  • At Saturday, 06 May, 2006, Blogger cathymk

    Barbara what a beautiful tribute.
    ((hugs)) I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

  • At Saturday, 06 May, 2006, Blogger Judy

    I'm so very sorry for your loss. Please know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers. The tribute that you have created for your Angel child is beautiful.
    Love Judy (a regular visitor from Canada)

  • At Saturday, 06 May, 2006, Blogger Rachael

    Barbara, so glad that you are back with us, at least as much as you feel you can be. Your sampler is beautiful and special and hopefully will help your heart heal.

  • At Tuesday, 09 May, 2006, Blogger Connie

    Oh, Barbara, I am so sorry! There truly is no pain quite like losing a baby too early. I will be praying for your comfort and peace. I have 5 babies in heaven, (including a set of twins) so I know how raw you are emotionally. Take time to make a wonderful tribute to the baby, write down your feelings and be kind to yourself. If you can, treat yourself to something very special. I always found spending the day at the ocean helped the healing immensely. I'll be thinking of you!!

  • At Sunday, 14 May, 2006, Blogger Zoanna

    Dear Barbara,
    I share your grief. I'm so sorry. Such a tiny, short life does have amazing power to grab our hearts. The love a mother feels for a baby she's never laid eyes on, and never held, is one of life's deep mysteries. I have lost two babies through miscarriage, a girl at 16 weeks, and the other (don't know the gender) at 11 weeks. The loss is very hard, the tears fall like rain in Portland, and the love of God, family,and friends is immeasurable. You will heal, you will. But there will always be a soft spot in your heart for that one. When people ask you how many children you have, you'll find in your mind including that one in the count. (Right after my first loss, I said, "I have 3 on earth and 2 in heaven." I now say "Four" out loud but in my mind it's six.) I'm glad you have a tangible reminder in the form of the wallhanging. That will always be special. Love and prayers during this heartache and this difficult Mother's Day. Psalm 34:18
    "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted...."